If the shoe fits, don't hate me. I still love you.

There are many things that I want to be that I'm not. I'm not a confident guy. I have extreme self-esteem issues. I have been to different therapists and nothing has worked. Of course, it doesn't help that I stop going after a few months. This time, even though I'm not entirely sure it's working, I'm sticking it out and have managed to last for more than a year. 

I get advice from the people who are truly close to me. My family, the handful of people who I consider to be true friends, colleagues, shrink... I know they care and want me to do well and be happy. I'm not stupid enough not to see that. I know they love me. But there's this hump. 

Pictured: Hump

It's a matter of self-esteem. I know. I'm just not confident. I keep second guessing myself, always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or acting in the right way. I'm a good guy, I don't want to hurt anybody, even though some people in my life seem to get a kick out of kicking me in the balls every chance they get. And there are many people in my life who do that. I can't imagine why. And it's not because I'm such a great person or whatever, I know I can be an asshole and my issues are such that I will often shut down and not bother dealing with what's going on. I can't understand how somebody gets so much joy out of fucking with somebody else and being a dick. I really can't. And to do it with glee, fully aware that they're affecting somebody else in a negative way and interfering with somebody else's happiness. Seriously, what is the fucking point of that?

Which brings me to the next issue. Facebook Self Fellatio. 

Ron Jeremy: Can suck his own penis. In case you didn't know.

 I think I've alreay written about this, and if somebody reading who is actually my friend (real-life or Facebook-wise) is offended by this, I sincerely apologize. I'm not writing to be mean or insulting. It's like the flip-flop thing. I hate them with a passion, but I won't hate you for wearing them. Well, maybe a little. 

But I digress. 

I can never be confident enough to "Like" my own Facebook shit. Even though I laugh at some of what I post (or steal from other places, whatever), I will never click the "Like" button on my own shit. Seeing my News Feed say: "__________ liked his own photo" or "_________ liked his own status" annoys the ever-loving shit out of me, almost as much as people who post about religion or fucking quotes from the Dalai Lama or whatever cookie-cutter bullshit feel-good philosophy is all the rage these days. Come on, people, be real. There is no magic formula. Most of the times, life fucking sucks, don't pretend it doesn't. I don't believe true happiness exists and if you tell me it does or if you tell me you are 100% truly happy I will only believe that you are a goddamn liar.

I understand why people pretend it does though. Sure, it's comforting to think that it does, but I don't think the human mind works that way. I don't believe that the brain or the human spirit (if that even exists) can ever be satisfied enough to say that. I don't think animals (and we're an animal, don't forget) or instincts can ever be satisfied to that degree. 

Seriously, cut that shit out. Resist the urge to click on that "Like" button no matter how impressed you are by your own joke, your own picture, or your own cloying, overbearing, and condescending advice. Because when you tell me how to be happy, and how God can solve all my problems, you're not helping. You're being condscending. 

And a douchebag. 

NGYUHHAGUGHHHH!!

And a GYAYNANGGHUUUGNN to you, sir. 

You see Arnold there? That's sort of what I feel like. A lot. On the inside though. I could never make that face, no matter how I felt. Although I guess if somebody was shooting laser beams into my skull I would probably make some funny faces too. Was that what they were doing to Arnold in that scene? By the way, for the zero people reading this, you should buy Total Recall on DVD just for Arnold's commentary. It is the funniest thing ever.

I am a teacher at a private university in Mexico. Up until about a year ago, and for about 3 and a half years, I was a part-time employee, which means I was only paid for the classes I taught. I stuck it out and was finally given a full-time contract, and was officially a member of the Language Department. Things were great for a while. I had my own little cubicle in our tiny, windowless office, and the environment and camaraderie was positive overall. However, I have psychological issues, and one of the ways that I would vent was to go on Twitter and just write whatever was going through my head at the moment. Among the things that would regularly go through my head was work shit. If I was annoyed, angry, sad, upset, happy, laughing, whatever... I would get on the Twitter machine and just write. 140 characters of my musings, which while I admit were generally negative and angry (because I was venting), I considered them to be absolutely harmless.

But oh boy was I wrong. Even though I never mentioned anybody by name, or didn't even mention the school by name, somebody took what I was writing very personally and ratted me out to the highest authority here in campus. And let me tell you about what a piece of work this person is. This person is one of those that's always complaining that for some unknown reason, her computer is too slow. Oh, I don't know, I would think that the fact that the computer is about 8 years old has something to do with it. And you know what could be fucking up your computer too? Those slot machine games you're always playing when you're supposed to be working. And by the way, the porn pop-ups that suddenly show up for no apparent reason? Maybe the reliability of playvegasgamesonline.info isn't what it seems, wouldn't you think?

I helped this person countless times. I helped her design a fucking campaign for an event she was organizing. I helped fix her computer and get it running a bit more smoothly at least twice a week. I bought some fucking shitty shoes from her just to help her out because she's a single mom and her kid is handicapped. And even though she teaches English to university students, who was there when she couldn't pronounce the word *threat*? Yeah, you guessed it. I was fucking there. She can't pronounce the word threat. 


Threat.


She ratted me out, and even though I did nothing wrong, and never mentioned anybody's name or the school's name, I came really close to being fired. It doesn't matter that I am among the better student-evaluated teachers in the entire university. It doesn't matter that I have never missed a day of work or that I regularly work more hours than what I'm being paid for (what overtime?). I was almost fired because of Twitter.

Here are things that bug the shit out of me on Facebook:

• People who post about how great God is, and how we should be thankful, and all that silly shit. Look, never mind the question about whether or not God actually exists. And I don't really care what your beliefs are. You could worship your stapler, I don't give a shit. Just keep it to yourself and stop trying to cram it down people's throats. And I love how these idiots always throw in the "post this if you really believe in God" horseshit at the end. Fuck off. 
• One of the things that porn "star" Ron Jeremy is famous for (besides being hideously ugly) is the fact that he can actually blow himself. Or maybe he can't now, he's pretty fat. Regardless, that's pretty impressive. Turns out, he's not that special. In fact, 99% of the idiots on my Facebook feed are pretty adept at self-fellatio. A desperate call for attention is what it is. What you're doing when you post shit like that is bragging about your insignificant shit just so people will "like" whatever it is you fucking posted.
• People who are constantly asking you if you saw their latest video or photo masterpiece on Facebook. "Hey, I posted a video of my 3 year old niece singing a Lady Gaga song, did you watch it?" My typical answer to this is: "No, I'm at work and I can't stream on this crappy computer." Or, "No, I'm on my cellphone and I can't stream because there's no wifi here." Or, "Yes, I did, hahah, she's adorable." The problem with the last answer is that occasionally I will get called out on it. Usually by something similar to this: "What was your favorite part?" Or "Why didn't you press the like button? Didn't you like it?" By the way, about 50% of the time, that's the only reason why I do press the "like" button. It's a way to get these idiots to shut up about their latest and greatest. 
• Idiots who fall for Facebook spammers or viruses or whatever the hell they're called. "OH MY GOD KIM KARDASHIAN ATE A HOT DOG WITH HER FEET HOW DISGUSTING CLICK HERE TO WATCH." It's amazing to me how in this day and age people still fall for the most ridiculous shit out there. What's even worse is that the same idiot will fall for the same shit over and over again. "Gee, I'm sure this time that link is totally legit." Dumbasses.
• Ugh.

Alright, I'm done I think. I'm sure as time goes on I'll be annoyed by even more crap, and become even more bitter, slowly wasting away all by myself in a pool of my despair, low self-esteem, grievances, and annoyances. 

Some life, huh?