NGYUHHAGUGHHHH!!

And a GYAYNANGGHUUUGNN to you, sir. 

You see Arnold there? That's sort of what I feel like. A lot. On the inside though. I could never make that face, no matter how I felt. Although I guess if somebody was shooting laser beams into my skull I would probably make some funny faces too. Was that what they were doing to Arnold in that scene? By the way, for the zero people reading this, you should buy Total Recall on DVD just for Arnold's commentary. It is the funniest thing ever.

I am a teacher at a private university in Mexico. Up until about a year ago, and for about 3 and a half years, I was a part-time employee, which means I was only paid for the classes I taught. I stuck it out and was finally given a full-time contract, and was officially a member of the Language Department. Things were great for a while. I had my own little cubicle in our tiny, windowless office, and the environment and camaraderie was positive overall. However, I have psychological issues, and one of the ways that I would vent was to go on Twitter and just write whatever was going through my head at the moment. Among the things that would regularly go through my head was work shit. If I was annoyed, angry, sad, upset, happy, laughing, whatever... I would get on the Twitter machine and just write. 140 characters of my musings, which while I admit were generally negative and angry (because I was venting), I considered them to be absolutely harmless.

But oh boy was I wrong. Even though I never mentioned anybody by name, or didn't even mention the school by name, somebody took what I was writing very personally and ratted me out to the highest authority here in campus. And let me tell you about what a piece of work this person is. This person is one of those that's always complaining that for some unknown reason, her computer is too slow. Oh, I don't know, I would think that the fact that the computer is about 8 years old has something to do with it. And you know what could be fucking up your computer too? Those slot machine games you're always playing when you're supposed to be working. And by the way, the porn pop-ups that suddenly show up for no apparent reason? Maybe the reliability of playvegasgamesonline.info isn't what it seems, wouldn't you think?

I helped this person countless times. I helped her design a fucking campaign for an event she was organizing. I helped fix her computer and get it running a bit more smoothly at least twice a week. I bought some fucking shitty shoes from her just to help her out because she's a single mom and her kid is handicapped. And even though she teaches English to university students, who was there when she couldn't pronounce the word *threat*? Yeah, you guessed it. I was fucking there. She can't pronounce the word threat. 


Threat.


She ratted me out, and even though I did nothing wrong, and never mentioned anybody's name or the school's name, I came really close to being fired. It doesn't matter that I am among the better student-evaluated teachers in the entire university. It doesn't matter that I have never missed a day of work or that I regularly work more hours than what I'm being paid for (what overtime?). I was almost fired because of Twitter.

Here are things that bug the shit out of me on Facebook:

• People who post about how great God is, and how we should be thankful, and all that silly shit. Look, never mind the question about whether or not God actually exists. And I don't really care what your beliefs are. You could worship your stapler, I don't give a shit. Just keep it to yourself and stop trying to cram it down people's throats. And I love how these idiots always throw in the "post this if you really believe in God" horseshit at the end. Fuck off. 
• One of the things that porn "star" Ron Jeremy is famous for (besides being hideously ugly) is the fact that he can actually blow himself. Or maybe he can't now, he's pretty fat. Regardless, that's pretty impressive. Turns out, he's not that special. In fact, 99% of the idiots on my Facebook feed are pretty adept at self-fellatio. A desperate call for attention is what it is. What you're doing when you post shit like that is bragging about your insignificant shit just so people will "like" whatever it is you fucking posted.
• People who are constantly asking you if you saw their latest video or photo masterpiece on Facebook. "Hey, I posted a video of my 3 year old niece singing a Lady Gaga song, did you watch it?" My typical answer to this is: "No, I'm at work and I can't stream on this crappy computer." Or, "No, I'm on my cellphone and I can't stream because there's no wifi here." Or, "Yes, I did, hahah, she's adorable." The problem with the last answer is that occasionally I will get called out on it. Usually by something similar to this: "What was your favorite part?" Or "Why didn't you press the like button? Didn't you like it?" By the way, about 50% of the time, that's the only reason why I do press the "like" button. It's a way to get these idiots to shut up about their latest and greatest. 
• Idiots who fall for Facebook spammers or viruses or whatever the hell they're called. "OH MY GOD KIM KARDASHIAN ATE A HOT DOG WITH HER FEET HOW DISGUSTING CLICK HERE TO WATCH." It's amazing to me how in this day and age people still fall for the most ridiculous shit out there. What's even worse is that the same idiot will fall for the same shit over and over again. "Gee, I'm sure this time that link is totally legit." Dumbasses.
• Ugh.

Alright, I'm done I think. I'm sure as time goes on I'll be annoyed by even more crap, and become even more bitter, slowly wasting away all by myself in a pool of my despair, low self-esteem, grievances, and annoyances. 

Some life, huh?

I love Google. I hate Google.

I'm a Google guy. Let me make that clear right off the bat. I have an Android phone, I was desperate to get on Google+ as soon as I heard about it. I love how Google has so many things to get yourself organized, and synchronized, and integration, and all that good stuff. Google promises to make things easier and help you organize your life. That's the problem though. They want to help you organize your life.

I was psyched when this semester started because I wanted to become a full-fledged Google user to help me organize my life. I had my brand spanking new Android phone. I had my brand spanking Google+ profile page. I was excited by the prospect of keeping a Calendar on the web, having it sync to my phone, taking a picture on my phone, having it sync to the web, keeping everything neat and tidy and fucking organized, man. 

But I can't do it. It's just too much. Either that, or I'm a moron. Maybe I just expect things to be too perfect. 

I blame Mexico, in a sense. And here's why. Google and their universe of applications and tools haven't been as successful here as they are in other parts of the world. I'm jealous when I read about people using Gmail for everything, about people video chatting using Google Talk, about people creating their Hangouts on Google+ and lamenting how so-and-so couldn't get in because the room was full. People here are still hung up on Hotmail and Facebook. I'm disappointed that my friends, my students, and my colleagues don't see just how awesome Google is. When I ask people for their e-mail addresses, all I get is fucking Hotmail. I'm shocked when somebody uses Gmail, which isn't right, man.

On my phone, which runs Android, one of the most awesomest things is that your phone contacts are synced to Gmail. Forget your phone memory or your SIM card. If you fuck up and lose your phone, your contacts will all be intact in your Gmail account. Isn't that cool? I use Gmail as my primary e-mail account, so I was excited about this. Something else it does, is to use your Gmail contact pictures to your phone contact list TO YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK CONTACTS. Holy shit. So in theory, whenever I look at my contact list on my phone, I could see a nice picture instead of whatever shit stock cartoony image Samsung put in there. I could see that contact's Facebook page, and see their Gmail address as well. From that screen, I can either call them, e-mail them, or post on their Facebook page. Then on the web, when I go to my Gmail contact list, I would see the same thing. 

I read a lot of the tech websites. Mashable, Engadget, Techcrunch, the Verge, Gizmodo, etc. That list grows every day. It appears that most of the people who write for those websites are power Google users. They're always mentioning Gmail this, and Google Calendar that, and Google Docs the other. Google Reader, Google+, Google Maps, Google Chrome, Picasa... you name a Google product, these guys are into it, and they're hardcore. They're so non-chalant too. It fucking gets on my nerves. Because I want that, goddammit. 

Sigh. 

Don't even get me started on the Google Calendar/Tasks bullshit. I've spent hours trying to get that shit to work the way I want it to. Same with Google Docs. Hours. 

Hmm...

Reading back, I guess Google isn't really my problem at all, don't you think?