If the shoe fits, don't hate me. I still love you.

There are many things that I want to be that I'm not. I'm not a confident guy. I have extreme self-esteem issues. I have been to different therapists and nothing has worked. Of course, it doesn't help that I stop going after a few months. This time, even though I'm not entirely sure it's working, I'm sticking it out and have managed to last for more than a year. 

I get advice from the people who are truly close to me. My family, the handful of people who I consider to be true friends, colleagues, shrink... I know they care and want me to do well and be happy. I'm not stupid enough not to see that. I know they love me. But there's this hump. 

Pictured: Hump

It's a matter of self-esteem. I know. I'm just not confident. I keep second guessing myself, always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or acting in the right way. I'm a good guy, I don't want to hurt anybody, even though some people in my life seem to get a kick out of kicking me in the balls every chance they get. And there are many people in my life who do that. I can't imagine why. And it's not because I'm such a great person or whatever, I know I can be an asshole and my issues are such that I will often shut down and not bother dealing with what's going on. I can't understand how somebody gets so much joy out of fucking with somebody else and being a dick. I really can't. And to do it with glee, fully aware that they're affecting somebody else in a negative way and interfering with somebody else's happiness. Seriously, what is the fucking point of that?

Which brings me to the next issue. Facebook Self Fellatio. 

Ron Jeremy: Can suck his own penis. In case you didn't know.

 I think I've alreay written about this, and if somebody reading who is actually my friend (real-life or Facebook-wise) is offended by this, I sincerely apologize. I'm not writing to be mean or insulting. It's like the flip-flop thing. I hate them with a passion, but I won't hate you for wearing them. Well, maybe a little. 

But I digress. 

I can never be confident enough to "Like" my own Facebook shit. Even though I laugh at some of what I post (or steal from other places, whatever), I will never click the "Like" button on my own shit. Seeing my News Feed say: "__________ liked his own photo" or "_________ liked his own status" annoys the ever-loving shit out of me, almost as much as people who post about religion or fucking quotes from the Dalai Lama or whatever cookie-cutter bullshit feel-good philosophy is all the rage these days. Come on, people, be real. There is no magic formula. Most of the times, life fucking sucks, don't pretend it doesn't. I don't believe true happiness exists and if you tell me it does or if you tell me you are 100% truly happy I will only believe that you are a goddamn liar.

I understand why people pretend it does though. Sure, it's comforting to think that it does, but I don't think the human mind works that way. I don't believe that the brain or the human spirit (if that even exists) can ever be satisfied enough to say that. I don't think animals (and we're an animal, don't forget) or instincts can ever be satisfied to that degree. 

Seriously, cut that shit out. Resist the urge to click on that "Like" button no matter how impressed you are by your own joke, your own picture, or your own cloying, overbearing, and condescending advice. Because when you tell me how to be happy, and how God can solve all my problems, you're not helping. You're being condscending. 

And a douchebag. 

I'm just a jealous guy.

I'm jealous that you don't tag me in your Facebook posts, but you tag everybody else. 

I'm jealous that you're not around and that the people in your life probably don't realize how awesome you are. 

I'm jealous of your doorman when he says good morning, and the customers who walk into your store and get to ask you a question and hear your voice. 

I'm jealous of the guy at the fast food place who gets to take your order. 

I'm jealous of the people in the club who get to see you smile. 

I'm jealous of your dog whom you chase around happily with you camera because he gets to hear your laugh. 

I'm jealous of whoever was staning next to you at the concert because they got to hear your sing. 

I'm jealous of whoever lit the last cigarrette you smoked and the waiter or bartender who handed you the last bear you drank. 

I'm jealous of whoever it is you're thinking about right this second. 

 

I'm sorry. 

 

The Most Awesomest.

Doing a search on Google Images for "The Most Awesome Thing Ever" yields some interesting results. Among them, aliens riding dinosaurs and shooting lasers at each other:

You have Mario, Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi as drawn with "rage" faces. 

You have Batman fighting a shark with a lightsaber (my personal favorite). 

And the number 1 "Most Awesome Thing Ever" picture is... this:

A bear. On a cliff of some sort, wearing a bright blue belt, and shooting multiple colored lasers from its eyes... at least I think they're lasers, they look very yarn-like, which is really weird. 

So how does this get to the top of the list? What the hell is it? The list I'm referring to is the number 1 search result for "the most awesome thing ever" on Google. It's not just any rinky dink list. It's frickin' Google! Yes, bears are awesome, no doubt... and if those really are lasers shooting out of its eyes, it most certainly belongs near the top, but who the hell knows. 

As I'm perusing through the results, there are some trends to take into account. Apparently, "The Most Awesome Thing Ever" has to contain one or more of the following, in any order, in any combination. 

1. Dinosaurs
2. Lasers/Lightsabers
3. Batman
4. Large animals (i.e. a shark, a bear, an elephant)
5. Mythical creatures (i.e. a unicorn, a centaur)

And yes, those are all awesome things. Especially lasers. And Batman. 

 

Yeah, Batman. 

Times Like These.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, International Relations is the study of relationships between countries, including the roles of states, inter-governmental organizations (IGOs), international nongovernmental organizations (INGOs), non-governmental organizations (NGOs) and multinational corporations (MNCs).

I've taught the subject for the past 3 semesters (well, they're not really semesters here, but there is no translation for "cuatrimestre" to be found anywhere on the internets, so let's pretend they're just semesters and be done with it, ok?), and last night, for the first time, my group participated in my school's annual Model UN event. My classroom was assigned the countries of Colombia, France, Germany, and the United Kingdom. Three other classrooms were assigned the rest of the countries that belong to the United Nations Security Council. The issue on hand was "IRAN'S NUCLEAR CRISIS" (capital letters are mine). Students had to vote and debate according to their country's politics, history, diplomatic relations, etc. In my life I had only been to one of these events, but it wasn't the same. I think that time there were only 6 or 7 countries who were represented, not the 15 who are in the Security Council.

Anyway, there were 3 judges present who would choose first, second, and third place winners, based on arbitrary and incredibly subjective things like "CLARITY, ARGUMENTS, PROPOSAL, and NEGOTIATION" (again, the capitals are mine). I'm not going to argue those criterion, because I wasn't responsible for the grading rubric or anything like that (I would've done it a lot differently, if you care)... that's not the issue (although it bugs the shit out of me). But anyways, the maximum points they could get for each thing was 25, with 100 being the absolute highest grade they could get. Simple enough, right (although again, horrible rubric) (I'm using parentheses way too much).


To recap... 15 countries, highest 3 scores get recognition, my students are in charge of 4 countries. I won't go into the details of the debate, because I want to keep it short (too late), but at the end, the teacher who is responsible of putting this thing together called me over and we added up the judges scores to find out who the top 3 countries were. They were in alphabetical order, so the first of my students' countries to pop-up was Columbia. We added up the 3 scores and it was very very low. Understandable, because the person representing Columbia on stage was clearly nervous and didn't participate as actively as other delegates. When I saw that score, I started to dread what was coming up and all the negative feelings I usually have about myself and my work started to bubble up.


(Sidebar) Re: Negative Feelings
I have self-esteem issues. I feel that whatever it is that I do, I could do better, or that I'm not good enough to do it in the first place. Since I became a teacher, I feel that way about my classes/lessons/methods/exams, whatever. I'm always second guessing myself and questioning if I did things right. I always question if my students are getting something important from our time together or not. And never mind the academics, or the reciting, or the memorizing, or any of that stuff. I want them to feel comfortable, important, and I want that whatever it is they learn be important, useful, and long-term. The other day somebody who was my student 2 years ago sent me a message saying that she was reading something for one of her college courses and that it reminded her of something I had taught her before, and she remembered the specific class that I taught the thing. That. That's why I teach. That's what I love about my job. Never mind that she remembered me, but that she remembered a specific lesson/session? Amazing. 


I always want to do right for my students. I work here for them. They are the absolute greatest and most important resource that we have now. And what saddens me is that I seem to be in the minority in feeling that way. A lot of teachers here are either woefully under-qualified, they don't give a shit, or they simply do the same old boring shit they've done for years and years, without caring one tiny bit about their students' views, ideas, and feelings. It's fucking awful and I hate everything about that. 


I want my students to understand clearly that that's what I feel and that's what I love most about my job. Of course, I can't go right out and say it directly. I have to make them understand through my interactions with them, my lessons, activities, assignments, and my dealings with them outside of the classroom as well. I hope I do. I hope my attitude and behavior towards my students reflects the love I have for what I do, and the respect and admiration I have for them as well. 


/end Sidebar


Back to the Model UN.

After finishing adding up all the scores, the teacher in charge of the event was ready to announce the winners. This year, in addition to the top 3 scores, they were also going to award 2 "honorable mention" spots to the 4th and 5th best scores. Announcement time:

- Honorable mention - Nigeria (not mine)
- Honorable mention - France (mine)
- 3rd place - Germany (mine)
- 2nd place - Russia (not mine)
- 1st place - the UK (mine)

As a sidenote, when we were adding up the scores, and the teacher responsible for this event saw what was going on, his face was hilarious. He looked like he wanted to take a dump and it just wasn't happening for him. After all, he and his groups have done this for a number of years, I'm sure he expected to sweep. 


I was in shock. Not because my students had done well, no. All of them are incredibly smart and I had complete confidence that they would do a fine job, and win or lose, I was damn proud of them. But to take 3 of the top 5 spots in the competition, leaving the other 2 teachers to fight for scraps, was astonishing and amazing. I can't find the words to describe what I felt. Actually, I can...

Pride. But not just pride, and not pride in myself, no. Pride (x a million) in my students for being so goddamn great and for kicking so much ass.

But here's the kicker and what makes this ten million times more amazing. I'm positive (because I know they're good people and have amazing hearts) that besides not wanting to let themselves down, they didn't want to let me down, and I know that was additional motivation for them to do such a great job. That floors me, because I feel the same way and the fact that they are able to see that and reflect it back to me is just spectacular.

And it feels fucking great.

Superstars, that's what they are. Every last one of them.

Now you know.