Death and things of that nature.

Living in Mexico, I am no stranger to grisly tales about violence and murder. You can read stories about people being kidnapped, tortured, and murdered almost every day in almost every local newspaper in the country. Thankfully, I live now in a place that is pretty safe for the most part, at least compared to other major cities like Monterrey, which has become so violent and so terrifying that college students have left the city in droves and daylight, public gunfights have become commonplace. One of my cousins is in school there, and she says sometimes she doesn't even hear the gunfire anymore. Isn't that amazing?

My hometown is also a border town, so those kinds of stories are also very common. Drug cartels want control of the border so only their shit gets through, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. It's always been this way of course, only now it's become a lot more violent, and a lot more public. Narcos are very adept at using today's technology as an attempt to intimidate and terrorize their enemies, and of course terrorize everybody else. A few months ago that sort of thing was readily available in a very popular blog here, which would receive these pictures and videos directly from the narcos themselves, at least according to the blog's creator. And there it was, right out in the open for everybody to see. I've seen some cray shit, man. Remember that 14 year old hitman who was arrested here a while back? Yeah, there's videos of him torturing and murdering, sure. Want to see somebody get decapitated? Want to see somebody get their genitals chopped off with a machete? Or how about a woman decapitaing a dude, while other dudes encourage her and teach her exactly how to do it? All the while, these guys are laughing and joking with the woman, saying things like: "Whoever marries you will have to be careful!"

I wish I was making this up. 

Thankfully, that particular website has removed their content from public viewing and you need to go through a registration process in order to access most of it. I know it's real easy to fake a website registration, and everybody does it, but for me it's not worth the trouble of registering just to see narcos killing and torturing other narcos, or see pictures of crime scenes or autopsies or whatever the fuck. I think these websites beefed up their registration and security policies because people who warn people and reveal the identities of narcos, or even those who simply blog about this sort of thing have been found mutilated and tortured as well. In one case, a popular female blogger was hung from a highway bridge, disemboweled. Yep. 

Jeez. 

I moved out of my hometown to my current city when I graduated high school, which was 17 years ago (fuck, I'm old). Back then, it was nothing like this. You could still go out, you basically knew everybody, everything was cool. You were scared of the typical street gangs more than anything else, and you knew that if you stayed out of certain parts of the city you would be fine. Things have changed though, and now when I go back I hardly leave my house. You don't know where shit is going to happen, because now these guys don't care. Before, they would keep it amongst themselves, and we would just look the other way and pretend it wasn't happening. But now, they don't care who's in the way or what time of the day it is or where they are. If they want to get you, they will, period. 

Of course, there have been people who I've known who have been killed by these ruthless narcos. Most of them have been passing acquaintances or friends of friends, or somebody's uncle, or friends of family members, neighbors, etc. There have only been a couple of people who I've known really well, or did at one time, or hung out with extensively at one time, who have been tortured and murdered as well. 

I'm morbidly curious and fascinated as to what happened with them. They were killed in separate, unrelated events, by the way. They were kidnapped, taken away, tortured, executed, and dumped in the street. One of them was taken from his office in broad daylight, the other one was taken from his home (I think). I'm not judging. When I knew these guys and hung out with them, they were cool. Nothing they did (at least in front of me) would lead me to ever believe that this is what would happen to them. I feel horrible that it happened and that they went through pain and terror before they died, like I said, they were good dudes and they didn't deserve that. They come from lovely families, and the pain that they went through must have been horrifying and gigantic. 

Does it make me an asshole if I'm morbidly curious as to what exactly happened? What were they thinking when they saw their kidnappers? What words were exchanged? The one who was taken from his office in broad daylight (said office is in a building with other offices, and there were plenty of witnesses), what was he saying? Did they try to fight back? Did they try to bargain for their lives? Oh, and by the way, even though in both cases there were witnesses, nobody was caught, and nobody is in jail for these particular crimes. I was watching an interview that one of the Ling sisters conducted with the mayor of the most violent city in the world (which is also in Mexico)

I think I'm so fascinated by this because a big part of me thinks the narcos killed the wrong guys. Even though logic indicates otherwise, because they were taken alone, and it's clear they were targeted specifically, I want to believe that it was all a huge, deadly mistake. And these were dudes that I knew pretty well at one point. Maybe that's why as well. Because in their position, what the hell would I do? I'm terrified of death, and dying, and go nuts when I try to rationalize that at one point in the future, I will no longer exist. That scares the absolute piss out of me. 

But anyway, that whole spiel wasn't the reason I started writing this. The reason is that one of those guys who I mentioned just now had a Facebook profile, like almost everybody does. He was semi-active, and would post pictures of himself at baseball games, pictures of his family, of his daughter, the usual stuff. And of course, when he died a few months ago, people posted their condolences and their feelings on his page, all understandable. I get all of that. As time has gone by, I've noticed that sometimes people still post occasionally on his page, saying how they miss him, and whatnot, which again, I totally understand. 

But here's what's creeping me out a little. Today, as I was wasting time here at work and looking at my Facebook page, I noticed that his mother had posted on his wall today. People are posting on his wall but sort of pretending he's still alive, including his siblings and his mother. I understand the "I miss you" kind of post, but the "Hey how are you?" thing? Kinda creepy, no?

I don't know. 

The asshole part of me thinks it's a way to call attention to yourself, in this case, his family wants people to know that they're in pain and that they're suffering and that they miss him so much. Of course they miss him, and they'll miss him forever. But why do it in a public way? I've lost family members and friends in the past, and you know how I grieve? Silently. I remember and laugh and cry, maybe sharing that with another person or family member, but that's it. Tributes are fine, yes, and you can share stories, that's wonderful... but there's a line in there somewhere, and I think people who post that kind of stuff have crossed it. It's not the "talking to your deceased loved one" part, it's the "talking to your deceased loved one PUBLICLY ON FACEBOOK" that gets me. 

I hope I never have to go through that though. I'm sure if something like that happens to me, my grief will manifest itself in different ways and some people may see it in a completely different way than it was intended. 

Oh well.. 

RIP dudes.