One afternoon in October.

The few people who are close to me know that I go to therapy. I'm not at all ashamed of the fact, and if somebody thinks less of me because of it, then I don't really care. I don't know why anybody would care if I go or not. Really, who gives a shit, right?

When my wife left me after a whopping 3 months of marriage, I was absolutely devastated. There is no way I can describe all the awful things I felt, and even more awful is the fact that I felt incredibly shitty about myself. Even if she was the one who lied, who cheated, who basically tore my heart out, a part of me still felt it was all my fault. 

After a few months of me wallowing and begging her to come back, weeping like a baby on the phone to her, I went to therapy for a while. Like a lot of things in my life, it didn't last very long, as I grew bored because things weren't really happening. I felt good during the sessions, mostly because I was spilling my guts to somebody who wasn't judging me (at least I hope he wasn't), but then afterwards things would basically feel the same. My insecurities about my job, my horrible self-esteem, my complete lack of self-confidence... all of that would come back as soon as I left the shrink's office. I got tired of it and just quit. I'm not an idiot and I know that a few months wasn't nearly enough, with all the shit that's wrong with me, but regardless, I left. It was still nagging at me though, and about a year and a half ago I decided to give it another go, this time with a different therapist, who I've been going to ever since. 

One of my biggest problems has to do with women. I am absolutely terrified that what happened with my ex-wife will happen again, and that crippling fear prevents me from attempting to get close to somebody, to approach somebody in person and tell them that I like them, or any of that stuff normal people are supposed to be able to do. 

A while ago, around October of last year, I went to the shrink and was talking about those fears, and about this woman from work who I was attracted to. Let's call her Kathy. I brought it up to my shrink (who we'll call Lucy), and of course she was doing her job and being encouraging, saying how I should just be bold, and that I had to put my good stuff on display, that somebody would be lucky to have me in their lives, that I needed to open up and share my heart, and all that good stuff. I was sweating, and asking her just how in the hell I was supposed to do that when I couldn't even muster up the courage to say hello to this woman when I ran into her at school. I would just think as hard as I could: HEY KATHY LOOK AT ME! I LIKE YOU, SAY HI TO ME! I LIKE YOU, LOOK AT ME! ACKNOWLEDGE ME, SAY HI TO ME! I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU!

But alas, that never happened. 

So I'm talking to the shrink, and she tells me... "Look, just approach her, and don't think negatively. The 'no' answer is already there, so don't even worry about it. There's no reason why she's going to shun you or ignore you, and if she does, so what? What's the worst that can happen? There's others, and she'll be missing out!"

Poor shrink. I know she's trying her ass off so I can get off my ass and actually do something. Then she says this: 

"Approach her, and think about this conversation. Think about the words I'm saying right now, all that positive stuff, think about this moment and how good you're feeling about yourself, think about me encouraging you."

Great advice, right? I'm pumped, I'm feeling good about myself, and I resolve that the next time I see this Kathy, I'm going to do exactly that, and approach her, and say hi, and let her know that I'm interested, the whole shebang. 

A few days after that, it happens. I'm sitting on a bench at work, drinking a soda or whatever, and I see her approach. She's going to walk right by me! This is the perfect time, she's by herself, there's nobody around, it's the perfect opportunity!

I'm gearing myself up, gathering my strength, repeating all the stuff my shrink told me the last time. I keep hearing her words perfectly in my head, I'm visualizing her saying those words, trying to conjure up how good I was feeling when she was telling me all that stuff... and here she comes! This is it, I'm gonna break through!

"Oh hi... Lucy."

Of course, she doesn't turn to look at me. Why the fuck would she, THAT ISN'T HER FUCKING NAME. 

 

I haven't dared approach her since.