Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

[[posterous-content:pid___0]]When I was a kid, I read a bunch of girl books. And by that I mean, books meant to be read by girls. Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary... all the classics, and then I got into "The Babysitters Club" series. Does that still exist? I am well aware that those books are all for girls, even though at the time I thought nothing of it, and still think Stacy from the Babysitters Club was the hottest one and would fantasize that she was my girlfriend (hey, I was 10 and fat, all I had were those girls). 

Sigh. 

This past weekend, my mom came up to visit, and in a surprise move, brought my grandparents (both of them on her side are still with us, thankfully) and my aunt, who is autistic. She's never been diagnosed properly, but 4 of her brothers (my uncles) are doctors, and that's pretty much their consensus. 

My family on my mother's side is pretty religious. They're not obsessive or asshole-ish, but they do go to church every week, and they pray a lot, and my grandmother is very good friends with her church's priest. When she was very sick last year, the priest would visit her for hours every day. My aunt does the collection every week, helps out in the church, you know, that kind of thing. 

Yesterday, we all went out to have a wonderful lunch, and they were discussing if they would get back home in time for church on Sunday (it's a 3 hour drive). So as not to cut it too close and so my grandparents could rest after the road trip, they decided to go to church on Saturday. We were at the restaurant, and the decision was made to go to church at 5 p.m. I told my mom I wasn't going and that I would meet them afterwards to continue our nice weekend. She asked me why I wasn't going and I gave her a non-answer, because I think my explanation would hurt her. 

I'm not going to go into if I believe in the existence of God or if I'm spiritual or my definition of faith or any of that. This isn't about that. But let's appease the majority of people I know and my family and say that God exists, for purposes of this post. 

According to them, and to true believers, there are certain things about God that are indisputable facts. God is good. He is infallible. Ominpotent. He loves us all. We pray to him for help, and guidance, and everything good that happens is a direct result of his love for every single one of us. He knows exactly what we're doing, what we're thinking, and just how good we all are. 

So if he's to be praised and worshipped for all the good he does, does he get blamed for all the bad stuff that happens too? If he's infallible and omnipotent, he's responsible for everything, right? And the "everything happens for a reason" argument goes right down the tubes for me when I see stories of babies being murdered, and innocent people being massacred by their own government, and rape, and everything else that goes on. 

I know, I know, this is an endless topic and those questions don't have a right answer. Or, if you're one of those ultra-religious types, the answer is probably "faith," right? 

I think I'm a good guy. I'm nice, and I help those who ask as much as I can, sometimes at my own expense. I know people take advantage of me, but that's my nature. If I love you, I'll be there for you, no questions asked. I may not like it, and internally I may bitch and be annoyed, but I'm there. 

Shouldn't that be enough? Do I really have to go and have a priest put ashes on my forehead every year? Does god care that I eat meat on Friday? Am I damned to eternal suffering and hell if I eat a ham sandwich? Do I really have to go to a big building every Sunday and recite prayers with a bunch of people that don't really want to be there? Is that really what I have to do? Isn't being good and doing the right thing more meaningful? If I'm alone, and deep in thought, and I throw up a prayer to god, isn't that more meaningful than begrudgingly going to church and following the crowd? 

I'm pretty sure that when I die, and god has to make a decision as to whether I belong in heaven or not, he won't care how many times I went to church or how many times I took communion or how many times I abstained from eating meat on Friday. I think he'll care if I lived a good life, was a good person, and did the right thing. 

If that's the case, then you bet your ass I'll be reuniting with my childhood pets up on a cloud. 

If it's not, then shit...